COMMUNICATION

When I was involved in the pursuit of a college education some of the classes in my major area of study became a springboard to a life-long interest in the area of successful communication. I had grown up with the idea that communication was a very simple thing: I talk-you hear, you talk-I hear, we understand. I was introduced to the concept that communication was more often a case of: I talk-you hear something different, you talk-I hear something different, we misunderstand.

As it turns out there is one filter or gap which causes the thoughts which I express in words to be filtered by my personal speaking patterns, the bias’ I have developed, the understandings I have reached due to personal experiences and my current emotional mood. Once I send these filtered expressions into the air they then go through a second filter or gap which causes the words I have sent out to be filtered by your personal hearing patterns, the bias’ you have developed, the understandings you have reached due to personal experiences and your current emotional mood. This miscommunication pattern can continue as long as we continue conversing.

I came away from those classes wondering if all speaking was a big waste of time. Eventually I came to believe that partially understood comments were better than not speaking at all. I finally came to understand that we are not trapped in this dilemma, but through the process of developing proper communication skills we can overcome the problems which lead to misunderstandings and miscommunications.

My eyes were opened and I came to the realization of why we so often hear such comments as:

That’s not what I said at all!

Why don’t you listen more attentively!

(After listening to a speaker) That’s not what I heard him say!

I never said such a thing!

I can’t believe he said such a thing!

Happily, I was also introduced in these classes to skills, which if applied, could help participants to increase the chances of being better understood during conversations. Interestingly, many of these skills require an active participation of the listener rather than the speaker.

Empathy: Strong attempt to understand where the speaker is coming from and why they would be saying what they are saying.

Acceptance: Allowing the speaker to be where they are on a given topic without being threatened by their current understanding of the subject.

Openness: Having an inward desire to improve relationships with others and avoidance of destructive reactionary behavior.

Leveling: Evaluating the importance of your involvement in this particular conversation.

There are also several things the speaker can do to help the communication process.

Avoid Dumping: Mortals are capable of handling only a few stress related concepts in a given period of time. We would be wise to limit our conversations to one or two such subjects.

Speak in Specifics rather than Generalities: “You bumped my cap” rather than “you are really clumsy.”

Be Tentative rather than Absolute: “You seem unconcerned” rather than “you never have cared about my needs.”

Be Informing rather than Ordering: “I wasn’t finished rather than “stop interrupting.”

Describe feeling: “That really hurts. “I feel depressed.”

Replace whenever possible Hurtful words with Helpful words: “I hope we can come to an understanding on this topic” rather than “that is just plain stupid.”

Communication will result in better relationships rather than dysfunctional relationships if both the speaker and hearer are more willing to openly recognize when helpful communication has taken place.

In a world where we are continually confronted with reports of contention and confrontation, in a world where there is so much arguing and antagonism, in a world where there is so much division and dysfunction it might be well if we all gave a little more thought to what we are saying and hearing, if we all judged each other’s words with more tolerance, if we were all more ready to respect each other and to speak kind words.